Maythew Bonus: Theodore Rex (1995)

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Director: Jonathan R. Betuel
Starring: Whoopi Goldberg

When I kicked off this series, I expressed my gratitude that Theodore Rex hadn't been included on the list. And then... oh, and then. And then a friend of my brother's found this "movie" on DVD and bought it for him. And then he made me watch it, which is why I now find myself reviewing this insult to narrative, comedy, extinct creatures, science, and the future. Join me, won’t you?

Theodore Rex stars Academy Award winner Whoopi Goldberg, Academy Award nominee Armin Mueller-Stahl, and the private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks. Damn right, I’m talking about Richard Roundtree. The story is set sometime in the future when scientists are able to bring dinosaurs back to life (and, somehow, make them human sized and give them the ability to speak) by cloning the DNA from fossils. The engineer behind this is Elizar Kane (Muehller-Stahl), whose plans to create a new Eden secretly also involves ushering in a new ice age, thus killing off humanity. Why does he want to do this? Because he’s a mad scientist. That’s all the reason one needs.

After a dinosaur is found dead in an apparent “dinocide,” the Chief of Police (Roundtree) decides to promote Teddy Rex, a gentle and kind of goofy T-Rex, from his desk job to temporary detective. He becomes the partner of badass cop Coltrane (Goldberg) and though she resents it at first ("He's a dinosaur!" she says over and over again, much as I did while watching this), they eventually find a way to work together to take down the bad guys and save the world. Oh, and also? Coltrane is, possibly, a robot or some kind of human-robot hybrid. Yeah, I don't know. I just know that at the climactic moment she shorts out and it's up to Teddy to finish the job on his own.

Words cannot adequately express just how stupid this movie is. To give you an idea of the level of thought that's gone into it, allow me to share this tidbit: characters who are working undercover? Work with equipment that is neon glow in the dark. That's just... fuck you movie! Also, there is a very brief moment in which I thought we were going to see a dinosaur puppet sex scene. It was scary.

Matt's Thoughts: 92 minutes of pure entertainment. This cinematic masterpiece left many questions unanswered: is Whoopi a robot? does this take place in our future, or our supposed past? why do all covert missions involve glow-in-the-dark, neon technology? Don't get me wrong, this was no Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit but I think it held it's own. Now let's never speak of it again.

... And, with that, I'm taking the next week off. I'll be back on the 21st with new content.