
*
Director: Paul Schrader
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, James Deen
Netflix, I think we need to have a talk. What, exactly, is the thought process behind what you deem your top picks for me? Some recommendations you give me the courtesy of explaining - because I watched
Pan's Labyrinth, you think I'll like
The Mist; because I watched
A History of Violence, you think
Righteous Kill might do it for me; and because I watched
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and
Donnie Darko, you think that
The Number 23 might be my jam - and then sometimes you just pop movies into the list at random without any explanation at all and, in the case of
The Canyons, when your best guess for how I'll rate it is "1.5 stars."
Why would you recommend something to me if you think I'll only give it 1.5 stars? That's like saying, "Hey, you know what I think you'll like? This thing you're gonna hate." I mean, yeah, I watched it, but mostly because I was curious about how thoroughly you were messing with me - it says it thinks I'll give it 1.5 stars, but maybe it's just being coy and it thinks I'll actually love
The Canyons, but need to be tricked into watching it. But, no. 1.5 stars would actually be generous; this movie is straight up terrible.